dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
It's like I'm the Little Bo Peep of sheparding dicks.
Only someone with your twisted mind could come up with that simile. Do you sit around and read 'How to turn Beloved Childrens Stories into Sexual Analogies?' This is the 3rd time you've done this.
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
We played alot of beer pong and ventured into the woods with tiki torches
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
