so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Randomize
