umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
