thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
Randomize
