I just threw up on my dentist
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
Randomize
