Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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