i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.