He's been sleeping iwht ***
Yeah I don't even know how, she looks like her mom smoked crack while she was in the womb
And then hit her in the face with a shovel
Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
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Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
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he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?