Why do girls always cry at the bar?
What's the point of going out if you're going to cry all night?
Are they having an exestensial crisis at the bar?
Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.