And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
Just 30 Funny Tumblr Posts About Starbucks
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
18 People Are Kind Of A**holes But Also Completely Hilarious
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night