Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
Ya apperently its not "appropriate" to fuck in the school auditorium
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
