Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
I have feelings that need drinking.
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
