Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
Do you think I should make him wait for my responses or do you think sophomore have no concept of time like dogs?
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
Randomize
