as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
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