Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
Is it a bad thing that the only time i wear nice clothes to class, is when i get too fucked up the night before and wear the same clothes i went out in?
Well I'm glad to hear the fight wasnt over his small dick.
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
Randomize
