the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Randomize
