EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back.
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
Randomize
