There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
My liver just had a heart attack.
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
Randomize
