life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
Randomize
