In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Randomize
