and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Randomize
