His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
That's not a current picture, because if you look deep enough into my eyes you can still see morals. Not these days.
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
Randomize
