Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Randomize
