Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
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