Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
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