I wish my penis had an off switch
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
LETS GO REDSKINS!
Quit drinking and watching your DVR, it's wednesday.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
Randomize
