I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
Its like the long john silvers of colleges, I wouldnt even go there to use the bathroom
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Randomize
