stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
Randomize
