Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
found an empty one..2nd door on the right...i'm already naked.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
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