I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
