I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
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