Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
We talked him into tasing himself.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
