I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
foreskin is a definite game changer
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
