All these guys look like the American Apparel version of Jesus...
So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
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