we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
high people should be assigned attendants
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
