maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
Randomize
