I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
operation harelip BJ is a go
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
Randomize
