i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
Randomize
