Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
well the hot one passed out so thats that, but then the fat one made chicken nuggets....totally worth it
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
