$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
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