I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
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