Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
Literally had sex in his grow room under a plant.. ganja queen .
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
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