I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
Randomize
