I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize
