every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
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