im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
i need to put some appletini on your dick
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
I think my moral compass just broke
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