how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
