I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
Randomize
