2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
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