yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Randomize
