My girlfriend figured out who you are.
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
Randomize
