Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
Randomize
