i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
Randomize
