bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
mondays should just be called national damage control day
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Randomize
