I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Randomize
