Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
Randomize
