the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
Randomize
