My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
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