he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
Randomize
