Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
better to have posed nude and lost than to never have posed nude at all...thats what i always say
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
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