so chris just stuck his hand between rachel's legs and yelled 'TROUT!' and we were like...you're wasted
I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
is drinking for groundhog day legit?
well you blacked out on MLK day and we pregamed arbor day, so yes
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
Randomize
